Untitled

This is your life. are you who you want to be?

Sun, 03 Jul 2011 12:06:55 -0400

This is your life. are you who you want to be?

time for a change April 12, 2011. back to business. two...

Tue, 12 Apr 2011 20:25:09 -0400

time for a change

April 12, 2011.

back to business.

two rules:

Say what you need to do. Then do what you say.

-stressed

+knowing it will be worth it

Sorry

Sat, 09 Apr 2011 00:34:18 -0400

I never meant to hurt anyone throughout my life. I try and avoid it as much as possible, but maybe it is inevitable. Regardless I am sorry to anyone I’ve ever hurt in my life. Whether it was just the heat of the moment or me being stubborn I’m sorry

pure nostalgia with this song. havent been on tumblr in a while...

Fri, 08 Apr 2011 20:35:19 -0400

pure nostalgia with this song.

havent been on tumblr in a while so I went back and read some old posts. I realized that this is what tumblr is about. To one day go back on all your writing and see how much you’ve progressed. To go back and remember all the highs and rememeber all the lows and learn from all the experiences you had.

8 April, 2011

-gained mad weight been so lazy lately

+excited for the future. (weird)

maybe forgiveness is right where you fell…

Fri, 07 Jan 2011 16:53:17 -0500

maybe forgiveness is right where you fell…

time to celebrate tis the season to be jolly! but this year i am...

Sat, 18 Dec 2010 16:56:37 -0500

time to celebrate

tis the season to be jolly! but this year i am extra jolly (:

IN COLLEGE! ITS ALMOST CHRISTMAS! LOVin’ ittt!!!!

this song is like the essence of christmas.. so...

Sun, 05 Dec 2010 10:21:47 -0500

this song is like the essence of christmas.. so awesomee

December 4, 2010.

set up the christmas tree and christmas decorations (:

gained weight..

this song is awesome. greyson chance is awesome and so is justin...

Wed, 24 Nov 2010 00:23:54 -0500

this song is awesome. greyson chance is awesome and so is justin beiber.

November 24, 2010.

Talked to my Mom like she was my friend. Was weird and nice at the same time.

Planning something special for someone special.

nothing really bad happened today

i don’t know what kind of feeling this song brings up in...

Sun, 21 Nov 2010 00:55:30 -0500

i don’t know what kind of feeling this song brings up in me. it’s a girly song, but im not gay. This song is for all the things I cant have in life, yet life is still okay.

November 20, 2010.

spent a whole day trying to forget some hurt. let’s just say it was a fail.

imagined a white christmas coming soon

haven’t listened to david crowder band in so long. this...

Wed, 17 Nov 2010 22:27:40 -0500

haven’t listened to david crowder band in so long. this song really brings up the emotion of being sad and happy at the same time. the music video just adds to that effect. beautiful

November 17, 2010

First day of Varsity Swim. CAPTAIN!! i feel like the shit right now lmao its gonna be a good year.

My mom always brings up comments on how she thinks it would be better if she just left our family. she also says to my 1 year old sister that if she doesnt love her, than my mom wont love her either. i mean its just cause my sister cries sometimes around her and my mom overreacts. shes just a baby, and so is my sister.

November 13, 2010 this song is for all those tough guys out...

Sun, 14 Nov 2010 09:04:00 -0500

November 13, 2010

this song is for all those tough guys out there

completely wasted an entire saturday.

watched toystory3 for the first time! and i cried.. it was awesome :,)

November 8, 2010 sat next to someone who hated my guts. I was...

Mon, 08 Nov 2010 16:12:00 -0500

November 8, 2010

sat next to someone who hated my guts. I was too guilty to do anything.

sang for my mom on her birthday and did squats with my 1 year old sister.

change is weird. That’s basically all i can say about it....

Mon, 08 Nov 2010 02:31:16 -0500

change is weird. That’s basically all i can say about it. I can’t understand it. It’s only been a few months and everything has change.. again.

I read other people’s tumblrs and I wonder what goes through their head when they are writing their post. Do they think they sound smart? are they just saying they don’t care what people think of them, but actually do? Then I look at myself and say wtf am I writing for.

originally I used tumblr as an outlet to expression of my emotions. I look back and it feels like the person who wrote the previous posts is so distant.

i don’t want change. I want change.

I don’t want the change that already happened. I want change to come to make my life better.

lol i just looked back at what i wrote and i was like wtf.

fuck emotions.

i love thinking about the past and i look forward to the future just so i can have more memories to look back on.

im gonna post my best and worst memory. everyday (<— lol).

November 7, 2010.

My cousin was pissed at me for not calling him when he needed me. I felt so guilty..

Considered praying sincerely for the first time in a while.

sidenote: that was really fucking hard.. lmao

this really is the soundtrack to my life.. So I guess the only...

Tue, 13 Jul 2010 20:24:00 -0400

this really is the soundtrack to my life..

So I guess the only time I make a tumblr post is when I have a passion. Where do I get this passion? From getting into an argument of course. A good argument always gets my mind thinking. The topic of the day:

Happiness.

Something I can’t describe.

Something I have no reason for.

Something that is temporary.

Something that I never truly had.

How can I say that I am happy? “I’ve got some issues that nobody can see.” On the other hand, people tell me sad stories that make me feel guilty about even saying that I have a hard life.

I go back and forth on my ideas a LOT.

Yes, I have felt this so called happiness before, but thinking back on the good times makes that feeling feel so distant, like I forgot what happiness is. That happiness was temporary. Why doesn’t happiness last? My thoughts say that it is because human nature is to desire more.. we can never be satisfied. Sure I still have my share of laughs, but they are smacked back down by reality.

I feel as though I can never be happy. Either that, or I won’t let myself be happy. I don’t know what is holding me back. Maybe it’s just the fear of disappointment.

Why do people try to show me the way to happiness? It’s like they are trying to tell me they right way to be happy. Pshh fuck that.

This may make me seem like a loser, but I think that one can never be happy. Well that’s just my opinion. It’s the goal in life, “to seek happiness”. A failure waiting to happen more like it. A correction would be: learn to be content. I want to adjust my life so I don’t feel that disappointment after I fall down.

Actually I have no clue what I am talking about. Am I a bad influence? Did I just tell you to give up? Hmm.

So this song has been stuck in my head for a WHILE now. I...

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 02:23:18 -0400

So this song has been stuck in my head for a WHILE now. I decided to put it up on here, but before I did I went to Youtube to find the link. I clicked on the video and actually listened to the lyrics for the first time. I want to say it relates to me, but everything somehow is related.

Today was an overall great day. Started out getting forced to go to church, but I didn’t mind because I got to hang out with my good friends there. It’s been over 2 months since I’ve been to church. That is a long time considering I’ve went every Sunday since I can remember (minus exceptions). Ate a bunch of Wendy’s and Burger King. Watched Karate Kid, which by the way was EPIC! Makes me want to go learn Kung Fu or pick up Tae Kwon Do again. Then I got home went on the computer talked with my cousin.

Now it takes very little to make a great day turn bad. At around 1 am ACT scores came in and my friend has been telling me for weeks that he did so terribly on them and that he wishes he had my score and pretty much praising me saying how lucky I am. He beat my score on the ACT’s and demolished my score on the SAT II’s. I guess you can say I am a very jealous person. When I got my ACT score I was so happy with myself I thought I was the greatest. Only to be SHAT on by all of my friends. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE the guy. He is one of my closest friends. He always knows what to say and make how to make me feel better, but even so it just feels so shitty inside and that kind of sucking up doesn’t make me feel any better; if anything it makes me feel worse. I know it shouldn’t because friends do that for other friends as an act of kindness or caring. I think. Who knows? for all I know in the back of their mind they could be thinking “haha you lil scum bag I pwned ur score.” lmao idk if anyone with a soul would think that, but the thing is that no one really knows. Oh god that’s another topic, which I’ll save for later.

I feel like my jealously results in temporary motivation to do something, but the results in complete failure in a very short period of time due to distractions or loss of motivation. For example, my other friend did very well on all his SAT II’s and I felt that I could do better than him. I study hard for a good 10 minutes, then say “Fuck it, I can’t do this,” and then go on the computer.

I probably sound really Asian saying how jealous I am of other peoples school scores, but like I said in my first post.. I am going to write about anything I am feeling. Feel free to judge me.

ANYWHO. THE SONG!

I am going to go line by line.

“hey slow it down”

YES…I wish time would just STOP..I wish I could take a break from life and maybe look at my life from the side line and just see what the fuck I am doing with it. But where am I going to get from wishing?

“what do you want from me”

People’s expectations are too high. Always trying to do the “right” thing. Devoting their lives to become “successful” but what is the purpose in all of it? I am here trying to find myself. Who I am. And here is everyone around me trying to influence me under their ways, whether it be a good or bad influence, it is not the natural me. What do they want from me? They want me to be like everyone else..”normal”

“yeah, I’m afraid”

Yaa.. I am a pussy. It’s weird. I get scared of little scary stories, scary movies, anyone suddenly scaring me. I am not scared when I want to be. I was about to write “I am not scared of any person” but that is a lie. I can say that and not be intimidated by some people, but honestly I would be scared shitless if a huge jacked black guy with a scarred face and a knife comes up to me a threatens to kill me. If you think about it.. there is really no reason to fear. In a religious perspective it is because you have God watching over you. In my perspective I don’t think anyone is better than me. That might sound stubborn, and it might be stubborn, but aren’t we all “equal”? So why should I be afraid of anything?

“There might have been a time I would give myself away”

“Once upon a time I didn’t give a damn, but now here we are…”

These two lines should go together. I feel like last year I was oblivious..and I was happy? Isn’t there a saying “ignorance is bliss.” Is this true? because after I’ve been exposed to drugs alcohol and worst of all my own thoughts I experienced more and I know more, yet I feel like shit. It’s not that “I didn’t give a damn,” it’s just that I never thought twice about something and I did what I was told. Believing and doing everything that I was told without questions. Looking back I can see how I’ve changed. I think people liked the “old Laurence” better. “Now here we are” I got my knowledge and I feel regret. I wish I could go back to the old me, but my fucking morals won’t let me.

“Just don’t give up. I’m working it out. Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down. It messed me up..Need a second to breathe. Just keep coming around.”

Okay so line by line is way too slow. This is the chorus where the singer is pouring his soul into these lyrics and I am feeling him (nohomo). I really don’t know who he is directing this to, but in relation to my life it is towards all my friends. All you guys who are trying/tried to help me out through my problems “I’m working it out.” I would want to say I’m trying to get through this and I don’t need help but I really don’t think I can do it by myself anymore. I am just too weak. I need help, but I am too stubborn to accept any. Yes life “messed me up” and I need a fucking “second to breathe.” Good friends will keep “coming around,” it is up to me to accept them. That could also be related to religion as well. “God is always there waiting for us to come to him and he is there to help us when we fall.” I put that in quotations because it is something I learned in Sunday school, but I might not truly believe in those words. I am not promising anyone that “I won’t let you down,” because I probably will. This brings us back to expectations. Adjust.

“yeah it’s plain to see, that baby you’re beautiful”

wtf?

“There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s me. I’m a freak, but thanks for loving me, cause you’re doing it perfectly.” “There might have been a time when I would let you slip away. I wouldn’t even try, but I think you could save my life.”

The problem is myself. “I am a freak,” but why is that such a bad thing? Every single one of us is different. Who is to decide who is “normal”? In the past I repeatedly said “I don’t care..about ANYTHING.” Deep down I know that is not true. Those words are based on emotion. I thank everyone so much for caring for me even when I reject you.

So guys… What do you want from me?

So I decided.. why not make a Tumblr? I figured it is something...

Sat, 26 Jun 2010 00:50:00 -0400

So I decided.. why not make a Tumblr? I figured it is something to do this summer since my parents are bugging out that I am doing absolutely nothing. I actually need to figure out something to do this summer. Whether it be study for those ****ing SAT II’s, summer classes, hitting the gym, mission trips, or vacation I have to do something; keep myself busy, ya know?

On my tumblr I decided I will post things that express my feelings since I want to be real to myself: from deep thoughts to songs or videos that highlight my week.

I don’t even know if I’m typing any of this grammatically correct, but whatever.

As you can tell from the previous sentence I sometimes have spontaneous thoughts that will pop out randomly and may be confusing.. but I am going to type EVERYTHING that comes to mind.

Actually the main reason I am creating this is for myself. With this tumblr (aka diary but called tumblr to sound non gay) I hope it will keep me sane. I want to be true to myself because we all know that it is ridiculously hard to do that in front of other people..

peace and love